Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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