hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
