so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
