U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
