so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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