If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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