So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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