its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
