some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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