that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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