the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
