he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
