I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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