Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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