My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
