I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
