What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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