I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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