someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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