no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
don't judge my taste in strippers
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
