gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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