You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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