dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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