Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
