Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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