I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
