his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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