Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
