question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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