Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
