my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
