he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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