My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
