Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There are leaves in my underwear?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
