Betty ford says i'm here all night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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