new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
