I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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