Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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