Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
