Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i think i scared a bird with my dick
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
