Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
