I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
