my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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