Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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