his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Randomize
