"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
