and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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