He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
