Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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