nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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