You just made me feel so damn special
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize