I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
