He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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